Need advice? Go to the experts. Sadly, we could only get Ant and Dec. Oh well, maybe Faye Steps has something sensible to say...
1 The pick up
You see your fave pop star across the room.
They're all alone. Problem is, what do you say?
Dec: There's only one way to do this. It's...(getting into character) "scuse me luv, could you settle a bet, my mate says you used to work in a chip shop."
Faye: (Shooting a look at Ant) "He's so wrong!"
Dec: " I knew he was wrong. Can I buy you a drink to make up for the embarrassment?" (Ant laughs)
Faye: "Not tonight, I'm washing my hair."
Ant: (Trying his luck) You must get a lot of that Faye.
Faye: They usually just think that you're a cheap trollop and offer to buy you a drink. I'm like I can buy my own drinks, thanks.
Of course, one time I had a couple of bottles of wine sent to my table...
Ant: I've never done that. that sounds dead classy.
Faye: Get them squiffy and ask them out, that's the idea. But this time me and my friend downed the two bottles of wine, then i just chundered (got sick) and had to go home!
2 The disco
You spot a nice girl on the dancefloor. Is she with him or is she flirting with me? How do you make your move, especially if you can't dance...
Ant: The disco isn't my natural hunting groung. even at school dicos, I was one of the lads who just stood at the side. I used to hate it when my girlfriend dragged me on the floor. It's better with a packed dancefloor, then you don't have to move much.
Dec: There's only one word that you have to say, it's "Ohhh, tune!" And then the girl goes (sticks finger in air) and then we've bonded you see. That's a winner.
Faye: It's important for a guy to have a little bit of rhythm.
Ant: It is? Damn!
Faye: Well a good move does impress a girl, but no-one likes a show-off.
Ant: (Laughing) Once we were in Paris, taking the mickey, doing all those old break dance moves and Dec tried "The Caterpillar" and did his back in!
3 The first move
The film is almost over and you still haven't made your move, this is going to require skill...
Ant: This happened to me at the film Dances with the Wolves. I really wanted to put my arm around her, but it was the first date, so about 20 minutes in I did it slowly, and she just froze. So i thought "Damn, what do I do now? I can't take it away." SoIi sat through the whole movie with my arm there and she never spoke or anything. My arm was killing me at the end- it's a long film. Needless to say we never saw each other again.
Dec: It's always good if there's a moment of tension, so you go, "Don't worry I'll protect you", and then you leave it there. So take them to a thriller.
Faye: One of my first ever movie dates was when I was in third year and he was in fifth year, so I thought he was really cool. i was waiting for him to put his arm around me and it got right to the end and he just like, tapped me on the shoulder and that was it. He totally chickened out.
Smash Hits, February 9th 2000
A HUGE thank you to Lara in Ireland for being kind enough to type this up and send it in!